So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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