tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
