I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
dude. I can hear the air.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
