I've blown a few things in my day
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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