About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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