You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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