Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
