I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
