new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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