I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
