well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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