The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
