How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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