My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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