i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
