I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sorry about my life...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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