i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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