Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
