How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
