This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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