i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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