He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
