Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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