Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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