I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
