Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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