Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
