and you said cock pushups were impossible
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
