so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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