she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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