remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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