Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
