Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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