just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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