weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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