Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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