My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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