We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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