I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
