forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
