he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
