he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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