I am spending my child support on dildos
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
