did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
