Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
