I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
