I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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