I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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