When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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