My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
