I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize