He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize