Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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