so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
