I heard we made out
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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