the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
