I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
