If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
