idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
